Too old not to have one

It's true. On Sunday I turn "wicked old". 26. This is the first birthday that is actually causing me aging anxiety. 25, now that's still young. That's still college age. Plenty of time to spare before my baby-bearing time runs out and I have to dedicate my life to the dozens of cats that I've picked up in alleys as I wandered in the streets all alone...by myself. 25 is on the other end of the timeline from that. But 26! That's right there. The dot on the timeline right before the one that says "start wearing a mu-mu, stop bathing so much, and find more cats".

I had a dream the other night that my mom had me meet her at my grandma's house. We were supposed to go through her jewelry and pick out a ring for me. We weren't having any luck, so I went into another room. I found a bunch of ring boxes. They were so cool! I was more interested in the boxes than the rings. But Mom insisted that I pick out a ring, so I chose one that looked like it may be made out of brass. It was antiquey but kind of odd and cheap looking. What did I care? It was just a ring. I told mom that I found one, and asked her why I needed it. "Because. You are too old not to have one." This was my wedding ring. I was an embarrassment to my family by not being married, so if I couldn't tie the knot, I could at least look like I had.

Then came the banquet hosted by Mom and Grandma to which every guy I have ever dated was invited. I sat at the head of the table and I must say, I handled the situation very smoothly. Cool hand Nora. Bring it on grandma! If I'm letting my family down, I'm doing it with style.

Energy: The anti-frump.

I’m going to need an icepack. In the last few days I’ve been hit on more than I have in any game of slap jack I’ve ever played. Or all of them combined. At first I thought it was my radiant skin due to my new exfoliating treatment, but that was disproved the other day when it decided to rebel. Then I thought maybe it was the way I was doing my hair, but the sloppy ponytail I was sporting at work nullified that theory. Maybe I am just being flirty, I thought. Maybe other people are just matching my mood. But I was certainly NOT flirting with my TA today. So I have a new theory. Energy.

Last Saturday I was left alone for 3 hours in a store I have worked in for barely 3 weeks. I know nothing about fish or tanks or how long a boa lives or how you are supposed to know whether a snail is male or female. It can be stressful. It doesn’t help that Saturday is the busiest day of the week either. But I was feeling pretty good. I was thinking about my plans with Audrey to pretty up the house for Jason and Jamie when they returned from honeymooning. So I just went with the flow. I was running back and forth, but I didn’t get worried about it. I felt like a machine.

Two guys came in to buy crickets for their tarantula. They were asking so many questions! They were nice though and let me help other customers in between. They made a purchase and left. They came back. More questions and another purchase, and they left again. Five minutes later, back. “Hey, we just came back to ask you the same question we asked you the first time we were here.” (I’m paraphrasing here) Well, guys the answer is the same. Sorry, no pinkies today. “Oh. So um, what do you do when you aren’t working?” I’m sorry, what?! Can’t you see I am very busy and my hair is messy and I’ve been cleaning up puppy “messes”? I am just not prepared for this! I um, work and go to school. That’s all I have time for. $3.87 is your change. “Thanks, uh, see you around then?” Sure. Have a good day.

Then there was the lumberjack man. He is afraid of snakes. I got to hear the story from his childhood. He didn’t directly hit on me, but the flirtatious energy was thicker than his stubble -- his very nice stubble. He reminded me of Luke from Gilmore Girls, only super tall. He was about 7 ft tall, wore a plaid shirt and a scruffy face, and had the bluest eyes ever. But he is much older, so I pretended to be busier than I really was and he took whatever he bought which I probably rang up wrong, and went on his way.

It was my energy. If you are too busy to be hit on, you will be.

Sunday after Sacrament meeting, I had to get my picture taken for the ward directory. I hate that. It makes me nervous. So I hurried to the bathroom to do a quick check up and was hurrying back to the group of people who were waiting, when some guy tried to high five me and said “Hey!.” Um, do I know you? “Yes you do”, said his little friend, “you two are future spouses”. Oh really? What’s your name? “Weston”. Holy Shnikies!! I DO know you! You dated Amber! “Yeah, probably...” Amber Norton! “Whoa, who are YOU?!” Yes, I knew him. I didn’t want to. “So uh, what have you…wow you’re so cute! anyway, what have you been doing for the last 6 years?” Ugh.

Again, energy. ‘Nervous, a little repulsed, and needing to be somewhere else’ energy. Some guys can just pick up on it.

Then this morning, going over questions in my physical science lab, my TA says there are two ways to analyze a problem. The class asks for the easiest way and he demonstrates. Well, which way will be on the test? I’ve spent the last 30 min trying to get my group to care about the experiment we were doing so I can actually pass this class, and I’m a little worried that I won’t get it. So I raise my hand. Do you have time to go over the other way also? “Yes. Class, we have five minutes left, someone has asked to learn the harder way to do this. If you want to learn it you can stay, or you can just get out of class early and I can stay and just go over it with her.” At this point he looks at me. Whoa! What was that? Maybe I don’t want to learn it. Maybe I should leave too! “Really class, you guys are done, you don’t have to stay. I’m giving you five-free-minutes here…” Thank goodness no one listens to him. Not that he’s foul in anyway, but I just wanted the answer, nothing else.

Studious energy. Irresistible to physical science TA’s.

I’m curious about the results I might get if I test my theory, but the problem is, I don’t like to get hit on. I just want to feel confident and dress nicely without looking like I’m trolling a shiny lure to see how many bites I can get. I don’t fish for sport. Although I must say, this has been a pretty entertaining couple of days.

Soundtrack to a Montage

Audrey and I agree -- the best part of a movie is the montage. The part where so many things are happening that they are just shoved together and flash in front of you to the tune of the best song on the soundtrack. The funniest parts of a comedy, the sweetest parts of a love story, the part of the action film where the “plan comes together”. I love montages. I watched a movie a week ago and still have the montage song stuck in my head.

“Do you want to know
If everything glittering
Will turn into the gold
I see in your hair
I feel it could be there
Somehow, tonight…” -Peter Salett

Which is actually kind of nice because I was starting to think that every song was more and more depressing. Sad songs have existed since the beginning of time, but lately, they have stung more than they used to.

It was starting to seem like every song had some kind of pain behind it. Songs I’ve heard all my life. Songs that have always seemed sad are even more so. I’ve been disappointed before, broken hearted, but I finally feel that thing that artists and song writers are trying to describe to the people who don’t understand it. That hollow, empty, hopeless feeling like you are missing a body part and you know you won’t get it back, so you just have to press on and pretend you don’t need it. You have to tell yourself that you will find something just as good, but different, and that will be ok. You’ll live; you’ll just be changed forever.

I realized the other day, when playing Peter Salett through my head for the umpteenth time, that my last relationship was all montage. We had the build up while we got to know each other over email, and then - montage. We spent time together laughing, holding hands, telling each other things we don’t tell anyone else, he did every possible romantic thing, we fell asleep talking to each other because we couldn’t say goodnight or goodbye, he made me a soundtrack for our montage and we listened to it together and parts of it made me cry. But no relationship can survive on montage alone. After every montage comes the conflict. In most movies, something will happen to remove the conflict and one of the players will make some grand display of affection, put everything on the line, and miraculously, the other will still feel the same way, and they live happily ever after. But like Angelina said in Mr. and Mrs. Smith, “Happy endings are for stories that haven't finished yet.”

“And do you want to find
Something worth saving
The change would do me right
Cause I've been just waiting
And hesitating
With this heart of mine” -PS

By now the boy would have realized that this is worth saving and he would have made that grand gesture. But that’s assuming that this is the one great montage in my movie. I’m hoping there will be more than one. That this, if it can’t be a happily ever after, can be a happy subplot -- a character builder that makes the story more interesting.

Off the top of my head, I can’t think of a movie that has an amazing montage where the characters don’t end up together, but it has a happy ending. If anyone out there can think of one, please let me know. And don’t say My Best Friend’s Wedding. That is not a happy ending. It is a good ending, it is the right ending, but Julia Roberts still ends up alone, and that’s not what I want my ending to be.